Title: Amsterdam
Author: Froxyn
Rating: FRT
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Timeline: S6.
Synopsis: Instead of
hiding, Buffy goes to Giles with her concerns about her return from the dead.
Author’s Note: Album
fic. Songs and lyrics can be found here.
Giles looked up from the invoice
in his hands when the bell hanging over the door at the Magic Box gave a gentle
ring. His eyes narrowed as he watched
Buffy make a tentative entrance. He
lowered the invoice to the countertop and tilted his head slightly.
“Buffy?”
She bit her lip in what he knew
was a nervous gesture. He loosened his
tie and walked around the counter, stopping near the table when she finally met
his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” He whispered when he noticed her red-rimmed
eyes.
“I…can I talk to you?”
“Of course, Buffy. You can talk to me about anything.” He quickly pulled a chair out from under the
table and gestured to it. “Please…sit
down.”
He felt a sense of apprehension
when she slowly made her way over and sat down. Since her return from Heaven, she’d kept everyone at more than an
arm’s distance. For her to come to him,
of her own volition, to talk to him…
He was worried.
He pulled out the chair next to
her and sat down, but said nothing. He
simply waited until she was ready. And
he waited a while, watching her twist her rings and pull loose threads from her
sweater as she gathered her thoughts.
Finally she took a deep breath.
“There’s something wrong with
me.”
He wanted to tell her that
nothing was wrong with her, but he couldn’t.
Because, more than once since her return, he had wondered if there was
something wrong with her.
“What do you think is wrong?”
“I don’t know.” She sighed and looked at him. “Spike can hit me.”
Giles’ eyes widened. “His chip…”
“Is fully functional. He can’t hurt anyone…except for me.” She bit her lip again and rubbed her thumb
against her index finger. “I think I
came back wrong. I think…maybe Willow
screwed up more than we thought.”
Giles thought for a moment,
wanting to argue…but not sure if he had a valid argument. “I need you to tell me how you feel. How you truly feel about yourself
since you came back.”
“Like something’s missing.” She answered after a brief hesitation. “Like I’m frustrated. Like…I’m dead, but screaming.”
Giles clenched his jaw as he
felt a sudden rush of pain for her.
“I’m so tired, Giles.” She whispered, sitting back in her chair and
wrapping her arms around herself. “I’m
so tired, but I can’t sleep.”
“I know.” He stated softly, regarding her
carefully. “Buffy…”
“I’m tired of the secrets,
Giles.” She uttered as she met his eyes
again. “I’m losing myself…and I’m
keeping so many secrets…and…I think you’re the only person who can really help
me. And that in itself scares the hell
out of me…”
“Why?” He questioned, sincerely confused by the statement.
“Because you’re also the only
person who can really hurt me.”
His brow furrowed. “You said that Spike – ”
“Emotionally, Giles. You’re the only person who can really hurt
me emotionally.”
“I’m not sure that I’m following
you very well.”
To his surprise, Buffy
chuckled.
“I’d be very shocked if you were
following me.” She leaned forward and stared
into his eyes. “I feel like I’m dying
all over again, Giles. And you’re the
only person who can stop me.”
“Stop you from what?” He thought over her words and shook his
head, his voice catching with fear.
“Buffy, are you…are you trying to die again?”
“I don’t know.” She answered honestly.
Without thinking, he grabbed her
and pulled her against his chest. She
tensed for a moment, ready to pull away from him. But when she heard his gentle sob, she slipped her arms around
him and held him back.
After he had gotten himself
under control, he took a deep breath.
He rubbed her back in a comforting manner and rested his cheek against
the top of her head.
“Let me take you away from
here…just for a while.”
“Giles…”
“I can’t lose you again, Buffy.” He interrupted with a soft whisper. “I can’t…I nearly lost myself the last
time…”
Buffy was getting ready to reply
when she heard him whisper ‘I love you’.
It was so low that she barely heard it…in fact, she wasn’t sure that he
realized that he had said it aloud.
She pulled back just enough to
look up at him. When he looked into her
bewildered eyes, he inhaled sharply…knowing that he had actually voiced that
last thought.
“You do, don’t you?”
Not trusting his voice again, he
swallowed and gave her a soft nod.
“You loved me then?”
He didn’t have to ask what
‘then’ referred to. He knew that she
was referring to her death. His eyes
glistened as he gave her another nod.
She lowered her eyes and inhaled
deeply, thoughts rushing through her head.
Just as the silence was beginning to break him, she shook her head.
“We can’t go away, Giles. We live on a Hellmouth.”
Giles gently brushed his fingers
through her hair. “That is precisely
why I want to take you away. It wouldn’t
be for long, Buffy. Just…just long
enough to…”
“Save my soul?” She finished, amusement in her voice as she
looked up at him.
He shook his head slowly,
allowing his fingertips to glide down her cheek. “For me to show you that life is worth living…”
She shivered lightly as his eyes
held hers, allowing her to clearly see his feelings for her.
“Giles…” She gasped in surprise.
He offered her a gentle, but
nervous, smile as he moved his hand to her neck…his fingers pressed against her
nape as his thumb stroked her jaw.
“I won’t force my feelings on
you, Buffy. But, you need to know…I
can’t hide them any longer. And…I don’t
want to hide them any longer.
Hold them tightly to you…or toss them aside…do what you feel is right
for you. But…just don’t leave me
again…I can’t – ”
She cut him off with a sudden
kiss, wrapping his tie around her hand and holding it against his chest. She felt his heart rate increase as her
tongue slipped between his lips. When
he cradled her face in his hands and began to return the kiss in earnest, she
groaned.
That sound was enough to make
him stop…before he started to take it further.
His breath came in heavy gasps as he rested his forehead against hers,
his thumbs tenderly stroking her cheeks.
“Buffy…”
“Where will you take me?” She asked, just as breathless as he.
He pulled back just enough to
look into her eyes. Seeing her
sincerity, he smiled softly. “Anywhere
you want to go.”
Her eyes darted to his lips and
she leaned back into him. She could tell
him later where she wanted to go.
~ End