Title: Shiver
Author: Froxyn
Rating: FRM
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Timeline: S4, but no Riley.
Synopsis: Giles is pushed into an admission.
Author’s
Note: Album fic. Song and lyrics can be found here.
Giles sighed heavily as he
watched Buffy toy with a newly risen vampire.
His continued instructions of ‘plunge and move on’ had been consistently
ignored for the past three years. In
fact, he couldn’t remember a time when she’d actually looked at him…and
not through him.
“Buffy, please…just stake him.”
Buffy responded with a perfectly
timed roundhouse kick, knocking the vampire into the crypt wall. Giles shook his head sadly, his eyes
unconsciously wandering down Buffy’s leather-clad legs as she bent over and plunged
the stake into the demon’s heart.
Buffy stood back up and brushed
her hands against her thighs. “All
done. Can I go home now?”
Instead of waiting for an
answer, she turned and started towards the exit of the cemetery. A little voice inside of Giles’ head whispered
to him.
‘I remember a time when you
actually had a pair.’
“Shut up.” He muttered, shoving his hands in his
pockets.
‘I also remember a time when
you would just take something if you wanted it. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself for not having the balls to
do something about it.’
Giles’ eyes narrowed as he
watched Buffy twirl her stake as she walked across the cemetery.
‘Come on, Rupes…let me play
again. You’re not getting anywhere with
her, let me have a go.’
“Fuck off.” He growled.
His inner voice chuckled. ‘You won’t play, but you don’t want
anyone else playing either. How very –
’
“I said fuck off!”
He said it loud enough that
Buffy heard him and stopped. She turned
to find Giles scowling in her direction, his shoulders tensed and his hands
stuffed into his pockets.
“Giles? You okay?”
When he didn’t answer, she
started backtracking her way to him.
“Giles, what is it?”
“Nothing.” He muttered, lowering his eyes to the
ground. “Go home, Buffy.”
She shook her head quickly,
concern in her eyes. “No. You’ve been really quiet all night. What’s wrong?”
“Christ, you never listen
to me, do you?” He glared at her,
pulling away as she reached out to touch him.
“Go home.”
“Giles…”
“You never listen, you never
see. You only see what you want to
see…and never what’s in front of you.”
“I – ” She reached out again, jerking back when his eyes flashed. “Giles, talk to me.”
“Talk to you?” He barked a laugh as he began to pace. “And what would you like me to say, Buffy?”
She bit her lip and stopped
herself from grabbing his arm. She
hadn’t seen him this agitated in a very long time…and that time, he had pushed
her away when she grabbed him.
“Giles, you’re scaring me.” She whispered, causing him to stop in his
tracks.
His eyes cleared as the voice in
his head quietened. “I didn't mean to
scare you, Buffy.”
“What’s wrong?”
He couldn’t help but notice the
tremble in her voice. “I…”
“Giles?”
“You never see me.” He stated softly, his tone taking on a
dejected feel.
‘
“I do, Giles. I see you…I see you right now.”
He shook his head slowly. “You look through me, Buffy. You either don’t or can’t see what I do…who
I am. I would hope that it’s ‘can’t’,
but I have a feeling you just don’t.”
He exhaled deeply and leaned
against the tombstone behind him. “I’m
here for you…night and day. I’d give my
life for you without hesitation. But,
I’m nothing more than a human library to you.
But, I am human, Buffy…and…”
‘Tell her.’
“To watch you disregard me, to
feel your…”
‘Tell her now.’
“…utter disregard for my
well-being, I…”
“…God help me, I want you.”
His eyes widened in shock as he
realized what he had just said. He
watched her mouth drop open and before she had a chance to say anything, he
turned and walked away.
He wasn’t surprised when she
didn’t come after him. But, what he
didn’t realize was that she wanted to come after him, but shock and surprise
had rooted her feet to the ground beneath her.
Helplessly, she watched him
leave the cemetery…his shoulders sagging in defeat. A tear escaped the corner of her eye, but he was out of sight
before she was able to get her feet moving.
And by the time she had reached the cemetery gates, his car was driving
in the opposite direction.
Without another thought, she
ran. She ran as hard and as fast as she
could. And she hoped that he would be
home when she got there.
* * *
He had wasted no time when he
got home. He bypassed the bottle of
scotch and headed up to his bedroom.
Getting drunk would serve no purpose tonight.
‘Your balls came back.’
He groaned as he kicked off his
shoes. “Yes, and look where it got
me. I’m still alone.”
‘Good God, get over
yourself. She’s not the only skirt in
town.’
“Enough!” He stated angrily, ripping his shirt off and
throwing it across the room.
Ripper chuckled, but then
settled into silence in Giles’ mind once again. Giles groaned in frustration and fell onto the bed, knocking the
lamp off the table to send the apartment into relative darkness.
He cursed softly when he
realized what he’d done, but made no effort to get up and clean the mess
up. Instead, he lay on his back…dressed
only in his jeans and socks…and stared at the ceiling.
He was so deep in thought that
he didn’t hear the front door open. He
was silently berating himself so furiously that he didn’t hear the soft
footsteps on the stairs. He did,
however, hear the sharp gasp from the foot of his bed.
He sat up quickly to find Buffy
standing there, staring at him. “Buffy,
what – ”
She held up a hand and his words
died in his throat. He sat on the edge
of the bed, elbows propped on his knees, and lowered his head to his hands.
“I do see you.” She whispered, taking a step forward as he
shook his head. “I do, Giles. I see you…I hear you.”
“I can’t change who I am.”
“Neither can I.” She exhaled slowly as she sat down beside of
him. “Will you tell me what happened
out there?”
“Just a voice in my head egging
me on to do something that I know I shouldn’t have done.”
“Ripper?” She questioned.
He gave a wry smile and nodded
in affirmation.
“Is it just Ripper who wants
me? Or…do you want me too?”
“We’re one and the same,
Buffy. It’s not as if I’ve been
diagnosed with multiple personality disorder.”
He huffed. “You have your own
inner voice as well.”
“Yeah, I do. Only mine’s not as loud as yours.”
“Why are you here?” He asked softly, still not meeting her eyes.
“Because you need to know
something. Please, Giles…look at me.”
He closed his eyes briefly and
then slowly turned to look at her. She
took a deep breath to steady herself and then spoke in a rush, fearful that if
she didn’t get it out quickly she wouldn’t get it out at all.
“I see you, Giles. You think I don’t, but I do. I hear every word you say…sometimes I even
hang on them. I just don't let you see.
I don’t want you to change. If
you were to change, then you wouldn’t be you…you wouldn’t be Giles, my
Giles, my Watcher, my…”
She lowered her eyes from his.
“I don’t just want you,
Giles.”
“Buffy…”
“I love you.” She whispered so softly that he barely heard
it.
But he did.
“I don’t expect you to love me
back. I mean, I guess you wanting me
should be enough really, but – ”
He silenced her with a finger
across her lips, searching her eyes when she looked back up at him. When he found what he was searching for, he
gave her a soft smile.
“Haven’t you wondered why I
always let you have your way? It isn’t
due to your persuasiveness. I let you
have your way because I can’t say no to you.
Buffy…”
She stared at him, watching his
eyes dart to her lips as he lowered his finger. When she saw him lean into her, she didn’t stop him. And when his lips touched hers, she shivered. He smiled as he pulled back and looked into her
eyes.
He knew that they wouldn’t make
love tonight. But, he knew that they
would…soon. And he knew that she would
do her best to let him know that she was listening to him…that she was seeing
him.
And when he heard the soft laugh
in the deep recesses of his mind, he whispered a soft ‘thank you’ to the old
him.
~ End