Title: Things Said Badly in Anger

Author: Froxyn

Rating: FRAO

Pairing: Buffy/Giles

Timeline: Season 4…after Buffy began working with the Initiative, but before Adam.

Synopsis: Giles has had enough and Buffy is there to see his anger. Is there anything that can fix the rift between them?

Notes: Special thanks to wyvernwolf for her wonderful beta work!

Giles cursed softly under his breath when the knock sounded on his front door. A large clump of mud fell from his ruined jeans and landed on the hardwood floor. He cursed again, this time a little louder.

He swung the door open to find his Slayer standing on his front stoop, arms crossed over her chest and her eyes darkened with barely controlled anger. She spoke quickly in a clipped tone.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Giles narrowed his eyes. “Good evening to you, Buffy. To what do I owe the joyous occasion of your visit this evening?”

Buffy rolled her eyes and slid past him, careful to avoid brushing against his muddy clothes. She leaned against the back of his leather couch, roamed her eyes over his ruined clothing and shook her head in displeasure.

“Willow told me you were going out to hunt down a demon tonight. Did you at least kill it? Or did you just decide to roll around in the mud?” Though she was leaning against the couch, she wasn’t relaxed. Her muscles tensed as she glared at him.

He briefly wondered if her tone actually carried the tinge of worry he had detected. Instead of commenting on it, he slammed the door shut and took two steps towards her. “And why, pray tell…why the hell would you care whether or not I killed it?”

Her eyes widened in surprise at his angry tone. “You’re mad at me? You go out and put yourself in danger, get all muddy, and you’re mad at me?”

“Mad? No, I’m not mad.” He stared into her eyes, his darkening with a rage she had only seen once before. “I’m bloody furious.”

“What?” Her voice rose as she felt her own anger begin to grow and she took a step forward. “What did I do to make you furious?”

He shook his head and moved past her towards the kitchen. He gave an exasperated sigh and ground his words out, doing nothing to hide the fact that he was beyond angry. “Why did I go out there tonight, Buffy?”

She shrugged her shoulder. “Because you’re impatient?”

He slammed the kettle onto the counter, denting the edge of the kettle. “No! Because tonight was the last night it could be killed before it started inflicting serious damage. If you bothered to check your bloody answering machine once in a while instead of playing with your group of toy soldiers, you’d fucking know that.”

“You left a message?” She asked quietly, taken aback by his outburst.

He snorted as he filled the kettle with water and dropped it onto the stove with a loud metallic thud. “A message? No. A message every night for the past week. I didn’t bother leaving one tonight, because…what was the point? I should have given up after the third, but…”

He shook his head in disgust. “So, yes. I’m furious with you, Buffy. And I have every right to be.”

“It could’ve killed you!”

“Yes, it very well could have. Not that you would have known about it until – ”

“Don’t! Don’t say that!” She quickly moved to the counter, gripping the edge as her eyes glistened.

He was sure that he heard concern in her voice this time, however his eyes sparked with fury. “Why not? Because it’s the truth?”

“Giles, I – ”

“Go home, Buffy. Or go to…Riley. Or…” His hand trembled visibly as he shoved the kettle off the eye when it began to whistle. “Just…leave.”

“Giles…”

He clenched his jaw and stared into her eyes, the pain in his disguised by the anger raging from him. “You haven’t cared in months. You only come to me if your commandos can’t figure out what they need to do. Don’t start pretending you care now.”

He stormed out of the kitchen, the kettle forgotten, and stomped up the stairs. He paused on the landing and looked down at her. “I’m sure you can show yourself out. It’s the one thing you’ve been very good at lately. Goodnight, Buffy.”

She stared up towards the loft, unable to get her feet moving. She had never experienced this side of Giles before. Sure, she had seen him angry…had even seen him in a rage once or twice. But, it was never directed towards her…at least not to this magnitude.

She felt her sadness and regret fill her heart. She clenched her fists, suddenly angry with herself for making him feel this way. She tilted her head, listening to the noises coming from upstairs. She heard him grumbling, but couldn’t make out what he was saying. She thought about his words again and realized, to her dismay, that he was right.

He was angry with her…and he had every right to be.

She glanced at the door and shook her head, refusing to leave with them both angry. Feeling an intense urge to try to make things right, she purposefully made her way to the stairs. She took a deep breath when she reached the top and stepped into his bedroom.

“Giles…” She said cautiously.

“For fuck’s sake, Buffy!” He groaned in annoyance as he spun around to face her.

His shirt was gone, thrown into the corner of the room. His boots had been tossed to the side. He stood there, staring at her, in only a pair of mudcaked jeans.

“ ‘For fuck’s sake’? I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you say that before.” She crossed her arms, refusing to avert her eyes from his.

He said nothing for a moment, just stood there and glared at her. “I told you to leave.”

“Yeah, but…” She offered him a gentle smile. “I never listen to you.”

He rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Your cute routine isn’t going to make this go away this time, Buffy.”

“That’s not what – ” She protested quickly, softening her voice.

“I’ve had enough.” He spoke evenly, lowering his voice but still keeping an edge to it.

She swallowed nervously. “Enough of me?”

He averted his eyes briefly and bit his lip before continuing, the sadness in his voice resonating clearly in the room. “Enough of being taken advantage of. Enough of being treated as nothing more than a research tool. Enough of being a fucking library. I’ve had enough.”

“Giles, I never meant – ” She shook her head and stepped towards him, her eyes widening in panic as she realized how deeply she had hurt him in the past.

“You never mean to, Buffy. That’s the issue here. I’m human…I have feelings and emotions, contrary to your obvious belief. I’m not some toy that you can keep on a shelf for months at a time and then play with when you get bored.” He didn’t bother hiding his frustration.

She looked down at the floor and sighed heavily, a sad tone in her voice as she spoke. “Do you have any idea how I would’ve felt if you had been hurt tonight?”

“No. I imagine you would’ve been slightly sad once you found out. But, you would’ve gotten on with your life fairly quickly.” He paused for a moment before continuing in a nonchalant manner. “You’ve always been good at bouncing back from adversity.”

She looked back up quickly, her eyes brimming with tears. “Slightly sad? You think I’d be slightly sad? My God, the thought of something happening to you kills me. I’d be devastated, Giles…not slightly sad.”

He turned his back, knowing that if he watched her cry he’d give in. He allowed his sarcasm to drip from his words. “Yes, because that’s the sentiment I receive from your…lack of acknowledgement. Yes, I can see how you’d be devastated.”

She wiped her eyes and gritted her teeth against the anger flooding through her. “Fuck you.”

He spun around, his eyes sparking once more. “Excuse me?”

She pointed her finger at him and narrowed her eyes as her anger enveloped her once again. “I said fuck you. You have no idea – ”

He took a step forward, interrupting her impending tirade. “If I have no idea, it’s only your fault. You’ve shown me absolutely nothing over the past few months. Tell me, Buffy…is avoidance intended to show me how much you care about my wellbeing? Is it intended to show me you’d be devastated if something happened to me?”

He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. “If you were injured or…worse…what do you think would happen to me?”

She lowered her eyes and spoke softly. “You’d cave in.”

“Yes. And how do you know this? Do you know this because I avoid you at every possible opportunity?” He reigned in his anger, inadvertently allowing his pain to be heard.

“No.” She wiped a tear from her cheek.

“How do you know?” He hardened his voice, realizing that he had lowered his guard momentarily.

When she remained silent, he stood directly in front of her and grasped her upper arms, not hiding the frustration in his voice. “How do you fucking know?”

“Because you’ve always dropped everything to come to me.” She sniffled lightly. “And…you would give your life to protect me.”

“And what have you done for me?” He released his hold on her, but didn’t step back. “Besides belittle me in front of a lover, disregard basically everything I’ve asked of you, lie to me, or just not tell me things I need to know in order to perform my duties properly…what have you done for me that would show me that you would be devastated?”

“I…” She sniffled again. “I don’t know.”

“Hm. And I’m just supposed to take you at your word with no evidence to support it?” He shook his head sadly. “To be fairly honest, I’m surprised that you haven’t been seriously injured in the past few months. You haven’t been training…your patrols have been more about groping sessions with your boyfriend or playing games with your soldiers…”

“I have been training!” She interjected quickly, shaking her head indignantly as she began to pace in front of him. “I train every day with Riley! I’ve been keeping up with everything!”

“Oh, have you?” His eyes flickered with disbelief.

She furrowed her brow and stood up straight, staring into his eyes. “Yes.”

He gave her a slight nod and, with no warning, struck out with a hard punch with his left hand. His fist connected quickly with her shoulder, knocking her to the ground. She scrambled to her feet, rubbing her shoulder.

“Giles! What the hell! That hurt!”

His chuckle held no amusement. “Yes. And had you been training properly, you would’ve seen it coming in time to deflect the blow.”

Her mind registered the almost malicious chuckle. Another tear fell as she realized exactly how close she was to losing him completely from her life. “You hit me.”

He shook his head. “I was testing you.” He turned around and made his way to his dresser. “You failed.”

He spun back around suddenly, raising his hand and capturing her fist in mid-punch. He grinned as her eyes widened in surprise. He pushed her back and shook his head.

“You see, I’ve been training.” His lips curled into a smirk.

He advanced on her slowly. “Would you care for a sparring session right now, Buffy?”

She slipped into a defensive stance and narrowed her eyes. “You caught me off-guard before.”

He circled her, his muscles tensed for attack. “You are the Slayer. You should never be off-guard. Not even with me…your pathetically old and gross ex-Watcher who would still die for you.”

She lowered her hands and tilted her head. “Still?”

He took advantage of her lapse in concentration and grabbed her, spinning her around until her back was flush against his chest. He wrapped his left arm around her waist and used his right hand to forcefully tilt her head, baring her neck.

She gasped in surprise, struggling for a moment before he lowered his mouth until it was millimetres from her skin and whispered softly.

“If I were a vampire, you’d be dead now.”

She shivered as she felt his warm breath ghost across her skin. “But you’re not.”

He chuckled sadly. “Would it be easier to hate me if I were? Would it justify your recent actions?”

She felt his heart beating heavily against her back. “Giles…I don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you.”

“And yet…you cannot bear to be in my presence for more than five minutes.” He suddenly released her, but didn’t move away from her. “Which begs the question…why are you still here?”

She shivered again and leaned against his chest. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, suddenly very aware of the fact that Giles was indeed a man. She fought the sudden urge to turn around and wrap her arms around him. She could feel the heat radiating from his body, smell the heady musk of…arousal? Her eyes snapped open and she took a shaky breath.

His heart began to race as she leaned back against him. He felt his anger begin to dissipate, only to be replaced with desire. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He ached to wrap his arms around her and hold her tightly against him. Instead, he took a step back and sighed softly.

“Why are you still here, Buffy? What more do you want from me?”

There was something about his tone that affected her more than she expected. There was sadness…resignation…desperation in those two questions that he had softly asked her. She could still hear the anger and pain, but those emotions were now muted. She turned slowly and looked up at him.

“Giles?”

He met her eyes and shook his head slowly. His voice trembled slightly as he tried to conceal his pain.

“I can’t do this any longer, Buffy. I can’t stand by and…be treated like a doormat. I also can’t not help you when you ask. I’ve tried…and it just doesn’t work. I subject myself to the pain you put me through so thoughtlessly and I have to ask myself why. The answer is so clear, yet so muddled. And I can’t do this to myself anymore.”

Her eyes welled with tears as it suddenly occurred to her that he was considering leaving. Leaving her, leaving Sunnydale, leaving…everything. Her voice quavered with fear as she looked into his eyes. “What are you saying?”

“I haven’t been your Watcher in well over a year. It’s clear that the only need you have of me is research. And that is only occasionally. You no longer need my assistance…or my protection. And my presence here is only – ” He cleared his throat and looked away from her as the tremble in his voice increased.

“You’re leaving?” She whispered softly as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“This is slowly killing me, Buffy.” His shoulders slumped as he took a step back and then turned, walking towards the window.

She walked over to him, reaching out only to pull her hand back right before she touched him. She raised her hand to her face and wiped the moisture from her cheek. “Giles, no…I’ll be better. I’ll be a better Slayer, a better Buffy. You can stay and we’ll start training again and – ”

“And, what Buffy? Things will be just as they were?” He shook his head and turned to face her, lowering his voice to a gravelled whisper. “Things will never be as they were. People change, emotions turn, feelings grow. If I stay here, it will eventually break me.”

She tilted her head slightly, confusion showing clearly in her eyes. “What will break you?”

He smiled sadly. “It’s of no importance to you. You…you should go now.”

“We need to talk this through. Please – ”

He looked up and exhaled softly. “Please, Buffy. The anger is gone for now. If…if you stay, it will only resurface.” His eyes glistened lightly. “I’m tired of yelling.”

She stared into his eyes for a moment before she lowered her hand and turned, quickly making her way down the stairs. When he heard the door close softly behind her, he sat down on the bed, not caring that his still-damp jeans soiled the comforter.

Chapter Two

Return to Fic Index